Millions of articles fill the magazines with relationship advice. The mags are full of stories from girls that have sabotaged their relationships, afraid of emotional intimacy, commitment or abandonment. They sit wondering what on earth is going wrong, what are they saying or doing to drive partners away?
While we have all heard stories of relationship sabotage, this is also a very real problem with relationships in the work place. (More from Simon Boulton: Hang On To What You Have Got - How To Retain Top Talent)
In order to work out how you may be unconsciously sabotaging your career, take a careful look at the bad habits listed below:
- The need to win each time
- The overwhelming desire to add our two cents to every discussion
- The need to pass judgment on others
- Needless sarcasm and cutting comments
- Starting with "No", "But", "However"
- Need to show how smart we are
- Speaking when angry
- Negativity: the need to share negative thoughts even when not asked
- Withholding Information
- Failing to give proper recognition
- Claiming credit we don't deserve
- Making excuses
- Clinging to the past
- Playing favorites
- Refusing to express regret
- Not listening
- Failing to express gratitude
- Punishing the messenger
- Passing the buck
- An excessive need to be "me": exalting our faults as virtues simply because they're who we are.
Do you recognise any of these traits? Do you work with people with these traits? Tony Balek teaches mediation and collaboration internationally, and suggests these tips to overcome negative behavior:
- Use Conflict as a Natural Resource. People who work together have different perceptions, and it would be unnatural if they did not disagree from time to time. The conflict generated can be a first step on the road to improving communication, solving a problem, and even building trust and cooperation. Avoidance or hiding conflict can be much more damaging in the workplace than facing it and dealing with it appropriately. You may even find that proverbial silver lining in a dark cloud.
- Don't React. Take time to cool off and gather your emotions. The most natural thing to do when faced with a difficult person or situation is to react. Give yourself time to think and remain focused on identifying the real needs and interests of the other person and yourself. Deep breathing and counting to ten is very helpful.
- Deal with Feelings. Helping the other person identify or acknowledge their feelings tends to reduce the intensity of those feelings and allows the person to focus on the underlying issues. By encouraging and permitting the expression of negative feelings without fear of reprisal or punishment, you have increased the probability that your similar emotional expressions will be better accepted.
- Attack the Problem, Not the Person. Keep an objective eye on the problem and detach any feelings about the person presenting it. Try to understand what the actual problem is and generate possibilities for settling it. Don't attack the other person and try to see the situation from their point of view. If you make assumptions about their behavior, verify by asking or repeat what you thought you heard. Show respect, try not to interrupt, and avoid using hostile words that inflame.
- Practice Direct Communication. Speak directly to the other party. Use "I" statements and be clear about points of agreement, about purpose, and about needs. Use body language to show support and attention. Ask questions to clarify and paraphrase what the other person is attempting to communicate to you. Ask problem solving questions. Other people can provide you with some very important information about yourself, positive and negative, and you can provide equally important information helpful to them. Words alone do not convey this information, so be aware of your body language and tone of voice. (More from Simon Boulton: The Anatomy Of A Great Manager)
- Look Past Positions to the Underlying Interests. A position is someone's limited view of what solution is necessary to meet a particular need. Until the needs and interests of each of you are ascertained, it is not possible to generate options that will be mutually beneficial and agreeable. Try to identify the other person's physical or psychological needs, along with your common interests. You can bring these interests to the surface or you can leave them submerged only to emerge in unmanageable ways later.
- Focus on the Future. Proving or disproving past allegations may not be of value to a continuing relationship at work. Give the other person ownership in the resolution. Don't sell your ideas but engage in a joint problem solving discussion. Ask what's important and be sure agreement is reached in dignity and respect for each of you. Any ongoing relationship you have with someone is longitudinal and can be altered to be constructive and improved. What just happened may be important or it may be trivial depending on how you want to make it appear just now. Remember, in a marathon you must pace yourself and believe that things will improve if only you give it the chance.
Final Thoughts:
Holding onto the resentment of people you have to work with punishes you as much as it does them. You don't change relationships by trying to control people's behavior but by changing yourself in relation to them. Listening to and showing respect for the people we work with doesn't have to be the same as becoming friends.
