Good evening ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Fogey awards for 2007, the third annual ceremony that celebrates the characters who have added spice to the often all-too-serious business of investing.
The Fogeys were in part born out of television's night of nights, the Logies, and the old-fogey legislation of compulsory superannuation, which underpins the industry to the tune of $70 million a day.
I'm pleased that so many have made it to the awards ceremony this evening, given the late change of venue from the Paris end of Collins Street to the Centro shopping centre in Ringwood.
Given most money managers' satellite navigation systems tend to cut out at Camberwell, we must extend our gratitude to the lads at Connect East who prematurely opened up their (toll) road for our Toorak tourists.
As a sign of solidarity the Fogey committee decided to change the venue in light of Australia's second biggest shopping operator's recent funding troubles (let's be honest, they could do with the extra rent).
No one likes to see a share price drop from $5.70 to 42 in two days - not the 20,000 individual investors, the millions who hold the company through their superannuation fund, or fund managers holidaying in Port Douglas.
Before we commence the formal part of the evening, we have just a few housekeeping matters to attend to.
Unfortunately our entertainment for this evening has been cancelled. The man in charge of booking the talent, Glenn Wheatley, hasn't been seen for some months. Scuttlebutt suggests he has his hands full with an all-boy band he's come across.
Given that last year's Fogey winners were subject to so much controversy, the Fogey committee decided to call in the world's best ratings agencies to ensure that every winner is now independently reviewed.
They've assured us that they have employed the same rigorous analysis and evaluation that led to so many high-risk Collateralised Debt Obligations (CDOs) receiving investment grade status.
Steve Vizard may understand how backroom deals like this are done. Flush from making a killing on the property market earlier in the year, he purportedly parlayed the profit into putting himself up to receive our first Fogey for 2007 - the Entrepreneur of the Year.
Alas, sadly for Steve, money wasn't enough to buy him this award (although it did get him strategically placed good press throughout the year). This year's Fogey was a tight race between the youthful CEO of Amazing Loans, Paul Mathieson, and Fortescue Metals' Andrew "Twiggy" Forrest.
Mathieson already had runs on the board having taken out Ernst & Young's Eastern Region 2007 Entrepreneur of the Year award.
Ernst and Young's press release stated: "At an early age Paul was already demonstrating a strong entrepreneurial instinct and a real passion for money-making investment. This passion led him from one entrepreneurial success to the next."
That next entrepreneurial venture seems to us to have been exploiting a loophole in consumer protection laws in Victoria and Queensland.
Yet it was key associates of Amazing Loans calling into question both Mathieson's disclosure practices and concerns regarding the company's solvency that ultimately cost Paul getting the gong.
ENTREPRENEUR
Our Fogey Entrepreneur of the Year winner, Andrew "Twiggy" Forrest, had no such solvency problems. This year he achieved the double banger of becoming Australia's richest man (on paper at least), and scoring an invite to James Packer's wedding. In keeping with the tradition of past Perth magnates, Twiggy continues to fight with regulators over the exact version of events that preceded his rise to the top.
DEALS OF THE YEAR
The Fogey for Deal of the Year goes to RAMS Home Loans Group founder John Kinghorn, who pocketed a tidy $600 million when the group listed in July.
The Fogey for Dud Deal of the Year goes to the poor sheep that purchased the shares from Kinghorn - click go the shears.
In this era of leveraged bets, mathematical modelling and obscene bonuses, the Fogey for the Smartest Guys in the Room was always going to be hotly contested.
An early favourite was hedge fund outfit Goldlink. In 2003 your scribe was fortunate enough to be invited by the company to a broker briefing at the Westin Hotel.
We never could get our head around just how Goldlink could consistently profit from trading gold regardless of its underlying price. Turns out they couldn't either.
In less than a year they burned through $130 million of investors' money - and charged them $20 million in management fees for the privilege.
Yet that's small change compared with our collective winners - the wizards of Wall Street who, despite sitting upon hundreds of billions of dollars in losses, still managed to get paid multi-billion dollar bonuses.
BAD CALL OF THE YEAR
The Fogey for I Should Have Typed the Company's Name into Google goes to the 20,000 Australian families who lost money in dodgy debenture schemes that included the aptly named (Shark)-Fincorp, Australian Capital Reserve and Westpoint.
Given there are reportedly still 135 debenture issuers in operation, with $8 billion invested in unlisted and unrated schemes, this Fogey award sadly seems a safe bet for many years to come.
REALITY CHECK
The Fogey for Completely out of Touch with Reality goes to perennial winner (loser) Rodney "Rocket" Adler, who emerged from a prolonged holiday at Her Majesty's pleasure clutching what some say was a manuscript.
Insiders in the publishing world have suggested that unless the book is titled "What I Did with Your Retirement Savings", Adler could be set to chalk up yet another commercial failure.
BEST NEW TALENT
It was a tight race for the Best New Talent Fogey. BHP chief Marius Kloppers didn't let Chip Goodyear's seat get cold before launching the world's biggest resource takeover for Rio Tinto. Yet as impressive as that is, it wasn't enough to take first place.
That honour was reserved for our new leader, Kevin Rudd (or K-Rudd as the kids on FM radio affectionately refer to him).
This year he proved that John Howard wasn't as clever as we all thought. However, Kevin08 looks to be a challenge if the latest inflation data is anything to go by.
Mr Rudd couldn't attend the Fogeys, but he has managed to send another nondescript bureaucrat to deliver a carefully crafted and uninspiring thank-you speech on his behalf.
HALL OF FAME
Every awards night pays homage to a legend of the industry that gets inducted into the hall of fame. This year we're proud to announce that it's James Packer who will be etched into Fogeys history.
The Packer dynasty has a well-deserved reputation as a pioneering force in Australian media that started with Sir Frank, and was furthered by his son, the late Kerry.
Yet it was James who made the bold move to steer the empire away from the predictable ratings losses of Channel Nine, to the (much more lucrative) predictable losses of gamblers across the world.
SILVER FOGEY
The Silver Fogey - the runner-up award - fittingly goes to former would-be Prime Minister, Peter Costello, who this year hung up his Treasury boots after 12 years of budgeting.
While John Howard eyes Richie Benaud's commentary role and cream jacket, some in the Liberal Party have accused Costello of lacking the ticker to continue - which of course is completely ludicrous. According to those in the know, Costello craves real power and influence - which is why he will soon announce that he'll be joining Macquarie Bank.
In the lead-up to announcing the inaugural winner of this year's Gold Fogey, let's take a few moments to reflect on last year's awards, which fortuitously concluded with the following: "The good thing about equity markets is that they move in cycles from boom to bust.
"It's always much more exciting in the boom period, and this year's Fogeys has been helped along by the fact that we are in a boom that's lasted 15 years.
"It's been a hell of a ride, and while there are doomsayers who question the amount of debt that's being accumulated in consumer and corporate Australia, we here on the awards panel see it simply as more fodder for next year's Fogey awards."
GOLD FOGEY
So without further ado, I am pleased to announce that this year's Gold Fogey goes to the sub-prime meltdown, and the subsequent credit crunch it caused. Accepting this award will be the two million Americans who look like losing their homes in the new year.
As governments across the world prepare bail-out plans and central banks inject billions as a financial backstop, the losses from our financial folly continue to mount.
It's not just the banks that are giving back a bit of the fat they made in the madness - it's starting to get personal.
According to research house SuperRatings, our super accounts are poised to deliver their worst annual returns in five years.
The average balanced fund is set to deliver a 7 per cent return - closer to stock market legend Warren Buffett's famous forecast of single-digit returns for equities over the coming years.
At least half of the analysts polled by Bloomberg last week believe the US is heading for recession.
Should this happen, China may be forced to slow down manufacturing (and subsequently their economy), which could then (albeit temporarily) slow their demand for our resources.
So I think it's fitting that as we close the door on another Fogey Awards, that we all bow our heads for a brief moment and pray for the American consumer. Amen!
With that we bid you goodbye, and hope that next year you all tread your own path.